The Loss of a Child - What Helped Us

Her parents, Bob and Sandra, have contributed to a film prepared by the Child Bereavement Trust on the loss of an older child. Here they write about things that have and haven’t helped them.

Click here to learn more about the Child Bereavement Trust

What the news of Lucy’s death was like

Completely unbelievable – even now, 2 years on, we still can’t believe it yet we know she has gone. We can’t believe it has happened to US and to LUCY.

Sandra knew she had died when she heard news of the bombing.  Sandra sent a text to Lucy immediately ‘are you OK?’ and there was silence – utter silence!  (Lucy had been sending text messages during the first four days of her holiday).

Immediately we were able to function to seek help in locating her. We found that inner strength that comes to all parents in a crisis - we felt Lucy needed us at this point, even in death

We phoned the help number that they gave out on TV throughout that Saturday night (it was engaged constantly!).  We were able to get through to the hotel where Lucy was staying on a number of occasions and they confirmed that Lucy and her friend had not returned.

We went to Bali 8 days after the bombing to try and locate her – our Family Liaison Officer was there to meet us after our long journey.  We went to her hotel room straight away and recovered her belongings – surely one of the toughest things a parent has to do.

We didn’t receive news of her death for 14 days.  When it was confirmed only then were we able to begin the grieving process.

The loss of an older child

Lucy was a friend as well as a daughter

The complete feeling of hopelessness that we felt this time round because we were too old to have any more children (we lost our second son when he was a month old)

The love for your child grows deeper every year so that when she is 30 the love has grown thirty-fold

30 years we cared, loved and moulded our beautiful daughter into the perfect adult – we were so proud of her – our lives have been shattered forever

We were looking forward to her wedding and future grandchildren

Fearful of the future without her - you get more dependent on your children as you get older yet don’t realise that until they die.

We’re mindful that our son is now our only child and we struggle not to over-burden him in any way and worry about his safety

Sandra felt Lucy’s loss even more recently when she was ill – missed her phone calls every day to see how she was – that’s what a loving daughter does when she gets older. 

Not enough literature on the loss of an older child

Settling her estate - selling her flat and breaking up her home

Realising that Sandra has inherited her jewellery and possessions instead of Lucy having Sandra’s.

Things that have helped us

Forming a group (we felt normal in their company – everyone had lost an adult child in the disaster)

Sandra’s sister who was by our side in the first month and the following 6 months in daily contact on the phone for at least an hour – she just listened.

Our son, daughter-in-law and two grandchildren moving house to be near us

Talking to the right people

Meeting Jenni Thomas OBE, Founder & President of the Child Bereavement Trust.  She came to our house on 27 May 2003.  She asked us simply to talk about our beautiful Lucy and we were so relieved to be able to talk to such an understanding and warm individual.  She assured us we were not going out of our minds – we were doing everything right in the grieving process.

People remembering Lucy in different ways ie a named bench in London by her company, people naming their babies after her, her friends keeping in touch with us and coming to see us

Writing a diary expressing day-to-day activities post Lucy including all thoughts and feelings ie anger, frustration, grief – not too much happiness to report (27 months on from the tragedy Sandra still writes an A4 page every day)

Our pc – able to correspond with people is far easier than talking to some people on the phone and they, in turn, find it easier to write back rather than pick up the phone to us

Walking

Gardening

Short breaks to a peaceful location

Friends who have phoned and asked us out, even though we know we are not the best of company

Reading books on grief – trying to understand all the phases one goes through

Things that haven’t helped us

People’s ignorance concerning grief - One friend even said people think grief is catching!  Others said ‘we haven’t contacted you because we thought you would want to be alone with your thoughts’.

Friends who haven’t been able to cope with our loss – they preferred us the way we were not as we are now – they don’t make contact except for birthday and Christmas cards. 

Friends who suggest dinner or a weekend and never make a date

Feeling of utter loneliness despite having a remarkable son

Getting overtired – both getting overtired

As a couple, grieving at different stages

Talking to the wrong people

Music (Bob can listen – Sandra can’t)

Looking at her photos (Bob can look – Sandra can’t)

Moving house one year before Lucy died therefore not having the support network of neighbours in place.

Shopping on a Saturday/Sunday with too many mothers/daughters shopping together.

People talking about their daughters without realising that our pain is still so raw, over 2 years on

Being on our own too much

Not enough reading material on the death of an older child

Anniversaries such as Lucy’s birthday, Christmas, Easter, Sandra's birthday, Bob’s birthday, our granddaughter’s party

Click here to learn more about the Child Bereavement Trust