Talk: strategies for navigating difficult conversations

Being able to talk confidently and productively with people we disagree with is a crucial part of bridge-building. Whilst conflict is natural, we can each take steps to improve how we navigate difficult conversations, putting listening and compassion at the centre.

Our experts suggest four steps that can help you handle these difficult conversations more effectively. You don’t have to master them all – think about which tip would feel most beneficial to practice.  

1. Start from a place of connection 

Why is this important? It can feel hard to find common ground with people who hold different beliefs. Starting from something that we share – being a parent, wanting to feel valued at work, or pride in our community – makes this easier. 

How? Our tips and conversations prompts can help you navigate this: 

Use the PIN (Positions, Interests, Needs) Model  

The PIN Model is a framework for resolving disagreements. We can get stuck on ‘positions’, but our experts explain how starting by each other’s needs and interests can be useful way to find common ground. Starting here may help you to understand what drives their beliefs and build empathy, even if you disagree.  

Spotting zero-sum thinking 

Division can grow when people believe that one group’s gain is another group's loss. This is known as zero-sum thinking.  

Perhaps it’s jobs, schools, or healthcare – the sense that there’s “not enough to go around” can make us feel unstable, defensive and divided. But at its core, this thinking stems from wanting to protect our shared, fundamental needs. 

If you spot this thinking in someone else, shift the focus towards what they need, not what they think is being taken away. You can gently explore this by asking “how do you feel this issue affects you or your community?” or “if this issue was resolved, how do you think it would change your daily life?” and help shift the focus away from blame. 

Conflicts of opinion can be even harder when they happen with friends and family.

In these situations, our experts suggest: 

• Put your relationship at the centre. This helps you both remember what you share and value. Try starting by saying, “your friendship means a lot to me” or “I trust you and this means I feel comfortable talking to you about…”  
• Acknowledge difficulty. For example, “this conversation might be hard for both of us, but it’s important. Can we talk about last night?” or “This might be a hard conversation. Are you in a good place to talk it through?” 
• Pick the right time and place. Shared activities like a walk or lunch can help keep your relationship at the forefront. Try to avoid moments that are high with emotion.

2. Focus on listening, not only responding  

Why is this important? Half of a conversation is listening – but it’s easy to forget that, especially with topics we feel passionate about. We can get so wrapped up in our own thoughts that we stop hearing what the other person is saying.  

How? One way to challenge yourself to be a better listener is to ask the other person three questions before voicing your own opinion. For instance: 

1. What about this topic is personally important to you?  
2. How does this subject make you feel, and why do you think that is?  
3. I’m not sure I understood that last part. Could you explain it a different way? 

This slows the conversation down, keeps it curious and non-combative, and helps you understand why they think the way they do. 

When focusing on listening, it also helps to shift our mindset of ‘winning an argument’. A successful outcome is when both people feel heard and able to share their needs, experiences and opinions without judgement.  

When building long-term connections, that goes a lot further than trying to win someone over.  

3. The power of the pause 

Why is this important? We like to think that our thoughts, decisions and beliefs are based on facts and rationale. Really, conversations about identity, politics and belief can feel deeply personal. Even with the best of intentions, conversations can escalate. 

How? Taking a moment can help you check your assumptions instead of reacting on autopilot. Our experts share advice for staying calm in heated conversations: 

• Pausing helps you respond, not just react. Think of your brain like an email inbox – put your angry thoughts in a mental ‘draft’ and sit with them before you press send. This works both online and in person.  
• Online discussions feel instant, but there’s more room to pause. Go for a run or walk before responding – movement helps clear your head! 
• Avoid arguing late at night. It’s sometimes better to put the issue on ice and return to it when you’re both rested. 

4. Setting boundaries  

Why is this important? Our experts share how setting boundaries in advance can make difficult conversations feel easier. By preventing conversations spiralling and making sure everyone has a way to step back, it’s easier to talk freely. Plus, by agreeing to these together, you’ve both taken the first step towards co-operation and respect. 

How? 

• Set a time limit: for example, 5 or 10 minutes, then pause to think about whether the conversation is making progress. 
• Agree on a password: a word that means ‘Stop, I need a minute!’ 
• A topic to avoid: perhaps a specific example or comparison that can trigger a strong reaction. 
• Know when to stop: if disagreements turn into insults, or escalate with strangers online or in real life, the best thing might be to step away. 

Not every conversation will feel productive. Stepping back is not an admission of defeat. If it feels possible, revisit the topic later once you’ve both had time to calm down.  

Instead of fighting back, or worrying that you’ve let someone ‘win’, use the pause to think about how division grows – and what might prevent it. 

• What was the tipping point in the conversation? 
• What are both of you feeling right now? 
• Was it possible for it to go differently? 

Ready to take the next step? Read our other guides for more tips and strategies from our Bridging Divides experts.

Reflect: questions to help you understand yourself, your beliefs and your biases

Act: practical tips for building a more connected community